BONG news DIVISION 1 END OF SEASON SPECIAL! Thursday 9th November 2017:

BONG! The Div 1 title race went down to the final day with 3 teams still in the running for the prize. Arsenal had to beat Burnley, but they failed miserably and could only manage a draw. Spurs, who've been sinking like a stone, weren't expected to get anything against Chelsea, and true to form, they didn't. Man City knew that a win would seal it for them, and against Div 1's 'LOL' team, Swansea, they surely couldn't fail, and a 2-0 win sees the title heading to Manchester. Congrats Craig!

BONG! Remember in the mid '90s when Newcastle threw away a 15 POINT LEAD to lose the title? Hahaha, that could never happen again. Oh. Wait. Spurs have actually thrown away an 18 POINT LEAD winning only 2 of their last 11 games. That actually happened. Will Hammer still insist that this was all part of his (constantly evolving) “plan”? Will he regret selling an unbeaten team to bring in the current squad? How the... what on Earth...why??? Jesus wept.

BONG! Chelsea round off the top 4 with that victory against a Spurs side whose manager claimed could go the season unbeaten. Jose Mourinho has arguably the best squad in the league, so questions have been asked as to why the club didn't finish higher. Surely if they're not challenging next season even more will be asked. They will have money to spend, but will any more big stars want to join a team who've failed to live up to their potential? Well, probably, a lot of dosh might do the job...

BONG! The other 2 teams from the so-called big 6 do end the season in 5th and 6th, although it could have been much worse for both. New Liverpool gaffer Roy Keane had a poor start but turned it around after his galacticos policy finally saw the team click. More will be expected next season, but with such a thin squad, surely reinforcements will need to be brought in. Insiders have said that the current team suffered after several of them got asthma because of all the dust in the trophy cabinet.

BONG! Kev Moyes' Man Utd had a very disappointing season and must also improve next term to avoid being the butt of daily jokes again. Moyes has promised to take his team on an altitude training course in the hope they learn how to get higher in the league. Pundits have said that the only way that shower could get any higher is if they snorted lines of coke off the top of Mount Everest from a hot air balloon.

BONG! Burnley proved to be the surprise package of Div 1, finishing an impressive 7th as new manager B-Mart continued the splendid run of results that started under Roy Keane. Both Hull and Sunderland also proved doubters wrong by finishing top half, rather than fighting relegation as many expected. Despite the form of both tailing off towards the end, it is rumoured that Shaun Laffey and Jay Jones are being begged by Spurs and Man Utd fans to join their respective clubs during the off-season.

BONG! The relegation dog-fight (not that there appeared to be much fight involved) went down to the final game. Dan Smith's Bournemouth would have stayed up with a win, but could only manage another draw. Smith was left bemoaning his players abilities. “This bunch of carthorses couldn't trap a bag of cement” he was heard saying as he left the pitch and began preparing for life in Div 2. He could even swap places with his former team, Leeds, who he mistakenly left for a shot at the big time. Oops

BONG! Colas' WBA side managed to survive the drop despite being written off by many pundits weeks ago. Some ageing stars such as Ibrahimovic and Ribery were instrumental in getting them over the line, but many fans are worried about their style of play, saying that these if these old geezers got any slower they'd be going in reverse. A major overhaul could be needed to prevent another season of dicing with the drop. What will they do next? To be honest with Colas in charge, that's anyone's guess.

BONG! Middlesbrough's fate was sealed some time ago, but with their manager coming out of hibernation for the last few games, there is at least hope they can bounce straight back up from Division 2. Swansea on the other hand, have showed few signs of life under manager Luis Morinhoz, and are expected to struggle to avoid successive relegations. Even their own players have described their game as the football equivalent of a replacement bus service.

That's it from me, congratulations to everyone who did well, and commiserations to those who didn't. Here's Tom... he's pissed again, but is apparently in the running to be the next Swansea boss.