BONG news DIVISION 4 END OF SEASON SPECIAL! Thursday 9th November 2017:

BONG! Congratulations to Colchester manager Doc who lifted the trophy as winner of Division 4 tonight following their victory against Leyton Orient. The hard work was already done by previous boss Rob Harris, but Doc has promised he'll drink enough for the both of them tonight, which is probably not much, the pair of massive lightweights. Fans will be hoping he'll sober up before facing the challenge of Division 3 next season.

BONG! Sheffi Utd's Ali Hairdressers will be wondering what more he could have done, after remaining unbeaten in all 25 games since he joined the Blades way back in August. A recent run of draws was enough to allow Wimbledon to grab the second promotion place. The big capitulation came from Crewe who were still in with a chance of 2nd until they lost their final 2 games. The pressure was too much for their manager Keith C, who was last seen rocking backwards and forwards in a dark corner.

BONG! Carlisle can consider themselves very lucky boys after recent results. Bradley Jay's Mansfield put on a really strong run to try and chase them down, and Damian Colautti's men dropped a lot of points to give them hope, but in the end they left it too late and will have to settle for massive disappointment. The word around Field Mill is that previous bosses Pavel Levski and DP 91 are to blame for buggering up what would have been an otherwise great season.

BONG! The play-offs, also known as “the chance of a reprieve for clubs who were a bit too shit to go up automatically”, will see Leyton Orient play Crewe in a match which will hardly capture the public's imagination. In fact, pundits are already describing it as “going ahead”. More interestingly, can Carlise be the team to stop Sheffield United's unbeaten run at last? Pundits are already describing Carlise's chances as “existing”.

BONG! There were no last day nerves for Hartlepool, with their fate as TFF's bottom club sealed ages ago. Mind you, Shrewsbury gave them a run for their money by losing 8 in a row (before tonight's surprise win) to finish second last. Thankfully for Hartlepool, Shrewsbury and 3rd bottom Luton, there is no lower division, and they won't have to spend the rest of their days competing in competitions with names like the Stannah Stairlift Vase or whatever.

BONG! The middle of Division 4 largely consisted of some other clubs whose achievements are neither here nor there. It looks likely that the 3 teams beaten in the play-offs will go head-to-head with the teams relegated from Division 3 for next season's title, although Cheltenham and Doncaster ended the season quite strongly. “As enthusiastic as a puppy humping a chair leg” is how no one is describing their excitement at the thought of Division 4 next season.

To keep you entertained until the Division 3 round-up, here's Tom with his mobile disco and a special football theme for our end of season party. #DiamondLights #FogOnTheTyne